The end of 2005

Cant believe 2005 is coming to an end and 2006 beckons. Today is the 2nd last day of the year. i wanan do a reflection on 2005 but i havent reali sit down n tot abt it yet. whether it has been sweet, bitter or bittersweet haha. i guez it has been a mix of everything.

i have undergone thru maybe one of the lowest points of my life this year n thankfully with the help of my best gerlfrenz, bounced bek. im bek to being me. cynical in love lol but well bek to gettin to noe more guys haha. now i dun reali care abt having a relationship or wadever cos honestly mayb im nt reali ready yet. i came close to being in one n well while it was fun n nice to tink there is someone u can depend on, usually u cant depend on it to last so its better to be self-reliant n dun expect any knight in shining armor to come rescue me cos tt aint gonan happen. haha e feminist in me is coming out in full force.

now i noe better than to believe wad a guy says n take it at face value. wadever that comes outta their mouth i will take wif a pinch of salt. i forgot how fun it is to get guys to chase after u lol. hopefully in the new year, even if i dun get to experience love or wadever it is, i can get guy frenz who are loyal n not asses like the last time.

anw i should get goin. visit my grandma in hospital. she got admitted a few days ago. went to see her yest. i reali dun like hospitals cos they make me feel depressed. the whole plc juz reminds me of sickness n death. but well i have to visit my nenek cos she has been the one to look after me since young when my parents go to work. n i feel kinda sad she seems so weak. i mean even tho i complain abt my grandma sometimes but she is family n i hope she gets well soon.

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 4:23 PM

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EVERY GUY IS TRAGICALLY HUNG UP ON SOMEBODY..KINDA MAKES IT HARD FOR A GIRL

U noe i notice sth lately. A lot of guys seem to be tragically hung up over some girl in their past. it makes me sick haha.im like ok fine u got memories wif tt gerl n all but there is a reason u call it an EX. which means ure supposed to be over it oredi. u are supposed to move on dammit. not get stuck in the past n still have ur life n ur actions controlled by her, directly or indirectly. And den u supposedly wanna move on n find someone else but in the end, still go bek to that 1st person which defeats e purpose of lookin for a new one rite? stupid la. den u ask ppl why u cant seem to move on, cos ure not willing to let go la. jeez.

*rolls eyes at the whole insipidness of it all*

Den u end up hurting someone who have nothing to do wif any of it, someone who u give hope to onli to hav everything juz crash n burn juz like that. doesnt it make it worse for tt innocent party?

A word of advice to guys: if Ure still not over ur ex, den dun get involve wif someone new on the pretext of tryin to get over her. cos it aint gonna work. u will onli hurt ppl in the process. trust me i noe

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 12:57 PM

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Here are some of the Neoprint pixxies...

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 1:03 PM

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Anw my fren bugged me to mention him in here so im doin it now. Ammar, if ure readin this, u better tag k, u babatz u. haha

Yea n i forgot to mention

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO U BATZ!

There, u happy now?K da cukup mention da. shoppin sakan kan smlm. tk belikan anything 4 me seh.tkpe2. :p

Anw, juz finished my Lindsay Lohan music review. Done a couple of stories oredi. so i hope i can finish my quota of 6 stories to be up in Urbanwire soon. Yea, if u guys are free n got nth to do, heh. do visit www.urbanwire.com k? cos we need all the publicity we can get n well i wanna u all to read my stuff too la tts y. so far i got onli that Westlife review up but hopefully my name will pop up more lol. Not sure if i wanna pursue online journalism in future but well we'll see.

Later gonna go out wif Syaz. nt sure if Kin is free though. but an outing wif the gerls is usually a blast. like last Mon. We took neoprints. i have yet to scan them in though. mayb later. Kin barred me from decorating cos e last time i did, everyhting juz ended so abruptly b4 much decorating could be done haha. so this time, syaz n kin were the ones to happily scribble away with the pixxies n make them look nice. I cant even think properly n my eng is seemingly becoming less outstanding here haha. sheesh, nvm i got reason. im super hungry now cos i have yet to eat breakfast. n yea wad r u doin here bloggin? jeez. rite n now im even talkin to myself.

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 10:13 AM

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SO OVER BEING BLUE

I think Im finally moving on. I noe i said i didnt care before but i was running away from my feelings. i was in denial i guez. i hate feeling my emotions, especially the negative ones cos i tink they juz gets in the way.

anyways, i finally got wad i needed. i juz didnt realize it was wad i needed to free myself from all of these shit. granted those feelings of anger n sadness do creep bek from time to time but i dun feel them as intensely anymore. they are slowly being replaced with indifference n dun give a fuck kinda feeling. And i owe it all to my bestest gerlfrenz in the world, Kin n Syaz. had a heart to heart talk with them recently n well i guez everything juz tumbled outta me. my emotions juz burst like a dam. they urged me to get closure. n that was when it hit me. i needed that.

CLOSURE.

i juz didnt realize it until they pointed it out.

Im a person who needs to know things. so when everything ended juz like that, hangin n abruptly, i was overcome with a sense of loss n confusion. like wtf happen. I needed answers but i was juz too stubborn n afraid to admit it. so i finally called him up. asked wad i needed to ask n said wad needed to be said. although i still didnt really get satisfactory answers from tt ass, Im glad that now its finally over cos i have e last say.

It felt weird after that call. But a while after that, i felt better. Lighter in fact. like a heavy burden has been lifted off my chest. i can breathe again n smile n laugh again n mean it.

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 6:00 PM

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CHAMPAGNE FOR REAL FRIENDS & REAL PAIN FOR SHAM FRIENDS

Im tryin to finish my massina online tutorial. the key word being try. aargh massina is useless. haha. hope i dun get into trouble 4 sayin this cos who noes, lecturers nowadays do have nothin better to do than surf blogs. but seriously im onli making it public e sentiments of my fellow masscommers who think that this module is so irritatingly nt needed. im attempting to get the answers thru one of the word doc n ppt slides but im nt sure wad kinda concrete egs he want us to put as the answers. n its now oredi 430 pm. the deadline is at 6. oh well i will crap out sth later. oops i mean i will put an intelligent sounding ans later :p

Yea anw like e title of this entry. i love it in fact. so much so that its my msn nick now. I love e play on words. actuali it's e episode title of one of the episodes from OTH or One Tree Hill for the uninitiated. which btw is my favourite show. and u noe at 1st i juz put it as my nick cos i like e way it sounds. Until one day, my fren pointed out to me that issit meant to hint at someone. and im like eh actuali can ah. kill 2 birds wif 1 stone. So ya i tink that person also terase so he, being e coward that he is, asked his fren to ask me abt my nick. cos he dun have e balls to ask me himself.*rolls eyes*

Come on, act like a man oredi. U have balls dun u? oh wait, on 2nd tot, mayb u dont. Well i was so tempted to ask him that myself but since im nt acknowledging him anymore, tokin to him or chattin to him would mean i still tink he exist so no way im gonan do that. Im such a bitch i noe but who e fark cares. he certainly doesnt cos he juz lef things hanging like that. so abruptly somore. its no wonder that his past keep comin bek cos he always leave things unresolved. ok enuf. no more wasting my time dwellin on this.

Repeat mantra: WHAT I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WILL NOT HURT ME. yes yes.i have to keep reminding myself of that.

Anw now all i wanna do is have fun. Screw all the shit n the angst.

Btw yest had a great time wif a fren. He's so funny n i felt reali comfortable ard him. had so much fun teasin him n of coz he did his share of teasing. Anw i cannot believe that i was such a bimbo yest n forgot to bring my wallet. sheesh. lucky 4 me he not onli treat me for the movie tix but also the lunch n he brought me Mrs Fields cookies. Which in one word: HEAVENLY. i almost died n went to chocolate heaven. n im such a chocolate freak oredi. the brownie is to die-for. orgasmic choc, tts wad i'll say. n i tink it even made me become a lil baik cos i shared wif my sibs u noe haha. i mean im usually stingy. but i had to share wif them so they will noe how heavenly it is too. now i noe where to go if i got a choc craving. but i tink its expensive. so probably gotta be reali craving for one b4 i go buy me some mrs fields' cookies.

Yea and tmr gonan watch another movie. this time i better bring my money haha. cos no way my frenz gonan pay 4 me.Im gonan watch Saw2. love e 1st one cos e twist was unbelievable. hope e 2nd wont disappoint. me n my gals gonna spend e day together tmr. Wheee! No skl!!
Mons are no skl days 4 me, n fris too. heh. NO SKL MAKES A HAPPY FAAI

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 4:25 PM

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THE ONE WHERE SHE BLOGS COS SHE GOT NTH BETTER TO DO

Yea im blogging again. 2 days in a row. after a whole mth of nt blogging. makin up for lost time? erm nt reali. juz cos i got nth to do. ok actuali that part's nt reali true cos i do have that massina e-tutorial to do, its juz im procrastinating n i dun reali noe how to do it haha.
right so why did i wanan blog again? see i forgot while in e midst of replyin to sms. aiya actuali there's nt reali a point to this entry.

Well anyway today i juz rot at home. feels heavenly haha. e day juz whizzed by like that. woke up at 10. den slept again from 2-4. didnt go to skl today cos i got no class. fris n mons are such relax days. aaah soo nice. no skl=Happy faaizah.
Frankly been gettin sick n tired of skl. sometimes i feel like there's no point. musings of a dead tired n drained cynic? perhaps. its juz tt aft 2 and a half yrs of doin all these crap can take a toll on anyone. n combine that wif e shit i went thru lately can make anyone break down. i did. i have always tot im strong. like nth can get to me. but i guez i have my vulnerability. tts y i dun like emotions cos they make u weak. i noe emotions are wad makes us human but sometimes i can do without them. makes things way too complicated. i wish that we can juz switch them off whenever we feel like it. that would be cool wouldnt it? haha alas no way tts ever gonna happen.

U noe i realize sth today. I should spend more time on Me. myself. nt that i wanna sound selfish or anyting but sometimes in life, u spend way too much time worrying abt others n wad they tink of u, to the point that u neglect the most important person. U.
cos ure e only one who spends time wif u 24/7 so it makes sense that u shd treat urself more often rite? u shd indulge urself n give urself the best possible treatment. but noo, u bring urself down n punish urself ever so often that it becomes habit n u dun realize it. Im guilty of doing that lately. But now i realize i shd have more ME time. slowly i will try to be nicer to myself haha. nt that im nt nice to myself but i do have my share of tinking negative tots n bringing myself down n rehashing my mistakes over n over.

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 11:03 PM

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BACK...AFTER GOD NOES HOW LONG

Havent been bloggin for a mth now.And so much has happened. Good and bad. Cant believe that i have gone from like probably the happiest person bek to being the same cynical me, or probably even more so now. But Im moving on, learnt wadever lesson i gotta learn or relearn. Den now dun look back. Cos there's nth i can do abt it. so wads e point? Im juz glad I bounce bek fast. Notice that I have usually been one who do spring bek fast after adversity or at least i try my best to. I admit there are still some feelings of resentment and annoyance that i gotta go thru e shit that i did. but i take it all in stride cos i believe that wadever i go thru in life is for a reason. I may not like it but tts e way things turn out n i gotta accept that.

And i got a new mantra i follow now : WHAT I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WILL NOT HURT ME.
I juz wont give it the power to. simple as that. now if i decide that a particular person or issue or ting is juz not worth my time or energy, i refuse to give a damn abt it. n it wont bother me cos i wont care. true im onli human n the occasional irritation will creep in but i wont let it affect me. cos in the end, it wont matter so why spend time worryin abt it when there are more productive ways to invest it in?

I admit i have made mistakes n let my feelings get the better of me. i got swept away in all the whirlwind romance thing n i didnt follow my own advice. dunno how i let my walls down especially in such a short time. guez im nt as infallible as i tink i am.sad to say, now im more hard-hearted than b4. i dun reali wanna be this way but i cant help it. my fren ask me 'why the hard-heartedness?' and all i can say is that its part of me. have always been cynical, esp abt this ting called love. n now im even more so. but right now, i dun reali care abt it.

Anyway i notice quite a few of my frenz have also been undergoing some heartache as well.sometimes i tink why even bother.its probably nt gonna end up well anw. ok e pessimist in me is rearing its ugly head again.i guez e wounds are still a lil fresh so nt reali feeling optimism in the romance dept. probably not gonna in a while.

And anw Edvance 2005 is ending tmr. Finally! after all the freakin preparations that made me so bloody exhausted n drained. but the event days itself are nt that tiring, juz the before part. and now i dun reali got anything to do, well anyting pressing that is due the next day or sth. having a breather somehow feels weird, especially after countless nites of sleepin so late n having to wake up so darn early. nt tt im complainin cos im nt. it still feels a lil odd tho.

[[ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder__ 8:14 PM

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LoveCynic
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